Job Hunting in the Wild

It’s been approx. 60 days since I’ve graduated and I’ve applied for 10 jobs. I’ve heard back from zero. Yes, that’s right, a big fatty zip have even desired to acknowledge my interest in their companies or existence as a human being. Let’s assess the situations and figure out where I’ve gone wrong:

First 4 jobs applied for: Western Oregon University entry-level positions.

Assessment: Now there’s a joke—“entry-level.” Entry, in my mind, would imply the lowest of low levels. But no, apparently entry-level means at least two years of experience in the field and/or many more years of education than I have. So those 4 are out due to my underqualification.

5^th job applied for: Barista at The Beanery in Salem.

Assessment: This is a job I secretly want more than I’m willing to let on. The big joke around the universities is that a BA in English equates to becoming a well-read barista. This application was my way of submitting to those stereotypes and living up to my snobby barista potential. Plus I uber love coffee. With this job, I walked into the establishment, shook hands with the manager, put on my best peppy smile, gave her my application & resume, and assured her that I will indeed be available full time and am not secretly a full time student. Despite a promising introduction, no word from her…yet. I shall fulfill my coffee serving dreams one day.

6^th job applied for: Another WOU job.

Assessment: Yeah, I already got rejected 4 times from WOU, but that didn’t stop me from pestering them with yet another general application and copy of my resume. This time it was a receptionist position at Western, which I’m totally qualified for. It required no prior experience and I’m a former student, so I figured I had a leg up. Wrong. The WOU website informed me they are now interviewing for that position. All I do all day is tap my iphone and check to see if I got a new message or call. But regardless, I guess I missed your call, WOU. It’s cool, it’s a small campus, I’ll just stalk the interviews in progress and weasel my shining face in there and charm their pants off. 

7^th & 8^th jobs applied for: OSU Federal Credit Union Teller.

Assessment: A woman from my church told me about a teller position that opened up at the OSU Credit Union in Corvallis where she works. Craigslist told me that was true. Craigslist also told me there was a teller position available at the Dallas branch (another nearby town) as well. I submitted online applications to both and so kindly got an automated response via email that my application had been received. Ok, I guess I lied earlier. That automated email was a form of acknowledgement. However, it wasn’t even personalized enough to fill in my name in the introduction of the email, which means a machine acknowledged me. Whooptie-doo. That’s more a win for technology than for human existence.    

9^th job applied for: Random receptionist position in Corvallis.

Assessment: This craigslist gem was amongst the vaguest of vague entries. It was something along the lines of “mysterious company searching for qualified individual to guess what the job requirements are and fulfill them to unstated expectations.” Ok, it wasn’t that sketch or blunt. It was vague though. I still really want it.

10^th job applied for: Macy*s associate…er, sales rep? Something else standard sounding?

Assessment: I also found this posting on craigslist. Man, craigslist rules. Anywho, I went to the Macy*s site and began what appeared to be a simple online application. Yeah, it wasn’t. It included about seven different sections, one of which was a 12 part questionnaire. That questionnaire was long and repetitive. It was one of those strongly disagree, disagree, neutral, agree, strongly agree deals. It asked tons of questions about my character and morals and business values. Dude, I’m trying to sell perfume to people at best, not run the whole friggin’ company. An example of such griping questions: “The best business solutions are the ones that work.” I strongly disagreed with that just based on the other kinds of questions asked throughout the process. I think, according to the Macy*s questionnaire, the best business solutions are the ones that took a crap ton of heart, risked everyone’s jobs & safety, and didn’t stand a chance at success. Way to go, you crazy Macy*s sonsabeaches.

So there you have it, my 10 jobs I haven’t heard from and most likely won’t get. My future’s so bright I have to wear shades...well, that or I need to wear shades to conceal my unemployed tears. Wah, wah, wah.